Amy's · Life · and · Feelings

I'm now over the highest I've ever weighed. It is KILLING me. I dont know what to do, I would never be able to get back into the habit of binging/puring, but I NEED to lose the weight. I absolutely need to, but i know no other way to lose it than binging and purging. I'm at a loss.

I get my wisdom teeth out tomorrow morning.
*shrug* I'm not so nervous. I probably will be then, but that's normal I guess.

I really need to lose that weight. My jeans are getting tighter. That's bad.
I don't like it all, but there's no way I can get back into the habit of binging/purging/fasting. It just wont happen anymore, which is good, but also bad in a way.

I dunno, I'm sure things will work out one way or another.

&lt;input ... ></input><input ... >I feel alone lately.
I'm gonna try and lose 15-20 lbs, the healthy way.
That's pretty much all I wanna say.

I cut my hair.

My parents are both terminally ill, and I drive home from college on the weekends to check on them. This weekend I walked in and was worried to hear a crash. Turns out that my 60 year old parents had found the foam swords I'd bought for my nephews and were dueling, giggling hysterically. They GMH.

If I had my way, I'd:
-know how to play the guitar, and I'd play it often
-have clothes that are all nice and they flatter me perfectly
- have my harmonica necklace
-have a boyfriend
-get straight A's
-have the motivation to work out every day and eat healthy
-have the perfect amount of confidence
-have the perfect amount of shyness
-stay away from alcohol
-take more pictures, but not of myself
-have a tattoo and more piercings
-be less girly looking
-still be a virgin
-not want a cigarette
-not want to smoke weed
-know how to blow dry my hair
-be 15 lbs lighter

... to be continued?

While flying a kite on the beach, I dropped the string. It was so windy, the kite went flying too fast for me to catch up to it. A man came from nowhere, ran past me, and dove face-first into the sand to catch the line for me. He had the biggest smile on his face as he handed it back to me. I'm 22. He was at least 50. His young spirit GMH.

Today, I was waiting for the elevator to come along with a few "thug-ish" men who were smoking. The elevator reached and just as they were going in, they noticed a baby inside. They walked off the elevator, threw out their cigarettes, and went back in. Their thoughtfulness GMH.

was in the flower department, nervously picking out a rose to ask out my prom date. While I was trying to decide, the lady beside me asked if the rose was "for a special someone". I said yes. She paid for it because "more girls should feel special like that." GMH.

Christmas is always hard for us, since I'm one of five kids in the family. One day my mom went shopping for presents and her credit card got declined. She left the store, but before she got in the car a random woman came running after her, with her entire cart filled with my mom's gifts. I still cry when I hear this story, because that woman GMH

My family has been having financial issues since my mom is a single mother with four children. I didn't eat lunch because I didn't want her to spend money on me even though I played sports after school. My girlfriend noticed this and made me lunch every day for my whole senior year. Her love GMH.

My friend and I were at a fair, and we had just won a cuddly toy each. We saw a mentally disabled boy and we gave them to him. He said "Thank you." His father cried. Why? This boy hadn't spoken in months. Children like him GMH.

So now that I'm a little bit cooled down with the situation, I might as well tell what I remember.

So friday night, it was sara's birthday. Biggg party.
Like a week before, sara told me about her friend mike, and I really liked the idea of him.
Like the wednesday before she told me that she was talking to him and that he said he wanted to get with someone, and the he thought i was cute.
I was very happy with him thinking I was cute.

So back to friday, her party.
Mike got there before I started drinking.
i drank way too much.
I was very drunk.
Me and April were gonna fight Mark Unger and Mike came into that too.
And I just remember him like tackling me and us both falling to the floor.
And I"d take his hand and he'd help me up, etc.
And somehow we ended up near sara's stairs. and then we got up and he was against the wall. and I'm not sure who started it and whatnot, but i put my hands around his neck and he put his hands around my waste and we kissed. That part gives me butterflies.
I think we may have started making out there and he asked if we wanted to go somewhere.
I think I said yeah, upstaris, gia's room. whatever.
But yeah, we make it upstairs and we go into gia's room.
We sit on the floor and we kiss, make out etc.
My shirt comes off. He takes his dick out?
lmao I have no clue what I did, but I ended up giving him a blow job.
And I think I swallowed.
And now aftewards I'm just really confused as to if he used me. Or if he likes me.
And I know now that me and Sara can't be friends.
And luckily on my part, she's giving me more and more reasons to not be her friend.
It's better that way.
As for Mike, he can come to me if he's interested. I'll wait for him for a little bit to be honest.
It's not like I have anyone lining up to date me. I don't need to be dating anyone. And I like him, for whatever reason.
And while I wait I will try my best to not get my hoeps up, because I'm already pretty sure that nothing more is going to happen.

I've also come to the conclusion that I need to stop drinking. And smoking. Or atleast doing those things with the Sara crowd.

I wanna cut my hair for a deeper reason than just having change.
I want it to represent less alcohol, less drugs, better choices, etc.
This isn't the life I wanna life.
I can change.

Okay, I REALLY need to crack down on myself to stop drinking and smoking.
This is NOT the road I want to be on.
I do NOT want to be a slut. I do NOT want to be easy.
And that's what alcohol does to me.

I think that its okay to drink socially, but not okay to drink to get drunk.
I need to stop before this gets TOO out of hand.

The past hmm, what? Six months have been on my mind lately. I've been thinking of kj a lot. And no matter how much I tell myself any different, I will never be over him. And I do regret having sex with him. I really can't keep lying to myself about that.
I wish I never did it, but I can't go back in time now. I wish I saved myself to marriage, I really do.

I'm not gonna announce on here that I'm a reborn virgin. That's my goal.
And I don't think I'll be having sex. Or really wanting to either.

I don't wanna have sex until I don't have to have protected sex. Like, I'm ready for kids, I'm married kinda thing.
Ugh.
But at the same time I won't let myself hate me because I broke my morals.
Everyone makes mistakes, right? It's okay. I can forgive myself.

It just breaks my heart to think about all this. And how I wish it never happened.

I'm really ashamed of myself and what I've done. In earlier posts I said that I tried smoking weed and I didn't get high, I didn't like it, etc. I said I wouldn't do it again.
But I did. And I've smoked it a lot. Well, a lot to me.
I called my mom when I was high trying to sleep over Sara's. I swear she knows. When I came home she was all in my face and she tried talking to me. I'm so convinced that she knows.
I can't say that I don't like weed anymore. I like blunts, a lot. A whole lot. The rest of it, I don't really care for.
But I really want to be strong and not smoke anymore. It's so dumb.

I've been sneaking around so much. I'm so tired of lying to my mom about where I am, who I'm with, etc. I wish she didn't give a shit about where if I go somewhere, where it is, who I'm with. It's just too much. I understand her concern, but still. I'm a junior in high school. I'm sixteen. She needs to cut my loose a little. I'm not her little girl anymore.

Sara's birthday is Friday and she's having a big party. I'm really worried that because of this past Friday she won't let me go. Because I think that she was so suspicious when I came home, but then again, I could have just been paranoid because I was under the influence. I really don't know. She didn't say anything but still. I'm just so worried.

Like, I don't even know what to write, besides that I'm so worried and concerned. I just don't wanna be caught. I don't know what she'd do. I'm scared as hell. I want her to trust me, but I'm doing everything for her to not trust me.

Dunno if I'll drink a lot on Friday. Mike will be there, and Sara's trying to hook me up with him. And I think he's really cute. And he's sweet. And he doesn't drink or smoke. And I like that, a lot. According to Sara, he likes drunk people though. I still don't wanna get trashed though. I'm so over that.

Yeah, I really don't know what else to say.

Last night I slept at Melissa's and we snuck out of her house and went to Dan's house. He gave us a wine cooler, a beer, and some vodka. We all drank some. We all shared a cigarette. Melissa and I walked around in the pouring rain in the middle of the night. My pants are still wet. That was so much fun though.

I think I'm gonna stop writing now. I would just ramble about nothing that would make probably no sense to anyone reading.

Well I haven't really updated for a while now. Nothing is really happening. Just school, trying to keep up with things. Do my homework, and such. I wanna raise my gpa. NHS would be awesome.

...I kissed Dan BItterman.
I really wish he liked me like I do him. I kinda feel like he just wants to hit it and quit it. But we'll see what happens.

Michael's home. Bye.

HAHA SIKE.
i don't have a boyfriend.

I've been crying a lot lately. But that's good, I guess.
Matt asked me out and I said yes. He's the single most confusing person I know.
Um... Cyndi, John, and Maddie are coming down this week. They'll get here tomorrow.
Not really looking forward to it to be honest. I'd like to see them and all and meet Maddie.
But Yeah. Not really looking forward to it.

Yeah just kidding. No new boy.
Over it.

So I guess you could say I have a new boy. His name is Matt.
And I just realized that every time that I've seen him and today when I'm gonna see him, I've been sneaking around, one way or another.
Oh well.
But yeah. I guess I like him?
He seems to be sweet on me. Aha

So last night, I'm staying at Gabby's and we're all just laying around and I'm watching cheater's and my phone starts ringing and its a blocked number. I answer and it's someone, a guy disguising his voice. He said he was kj and he's like, "Hey, it's kj what's up?" and I was just like "uh.. nothing?" and then he went on to say things like "amy foster i still love you. i miss you. i'll do anything to be back with you. i'm sorry for breaking up with you after we had sex" I made it a point to laugh at whoever it was. It was pretty funny anyway, I just want to know who I was really talking to because they made a reference to us having sex.

So I'm thinking that it was either kj, kyle, or carmen.
Carmen because he's immature
Kyle because him and kj always hang out and he knew about us.
or kj well for obvious reasons.

I don't get why they felt the need to disguise their voice though. Oh well I'm gonna try and not get worked up about it, I'll probably never find out who it was.

I literally dreamt of LBI last night.
This is getting pathetic.
I feel bad when I keep mentioning it to Gabby.
I want to go so bad

It is my absolute dream to live in LBI, at least during the summer.
Maybe all year round, that'd be awesome.
But I really want to go to LBI now. And I feel bad if I tell gabby that. Because ever since I was little, I was taught that it's impolite to invite yourself places. And I know it's impolite. But I really really want to go. I'll probably call her sometime today.
I really just wanna get away actually. Maybe I'll settle for going up to her house for a few days. But I mostly want LBI and its peacefulness.
Ah well.
I'll keep you updated.